Monday, August 1, 2011

Snarky tips for new bloggers

Since all the nice bloggers out there are providing lots of useful advice for new bloggers, I thought I would provide some advice that you don't need.

Mwahahahaha.

1. Tell us everything.  Please -- tell us about the color of your kid's boogers, what your dog threw up last night, and every single thing you've eaten for the last three weeks.  We really, really want to know.  That's important stuff for posterity.

2. Don't forget the good stuff.  Oh, but what we really want to know is details about that fight you had with your mother/best friend/husband last night!  They don't go online anyway, right?  They'll never see that you bad-mouthed them on the Internet, right?  A blog couldn't break up a marriage, could it?

3. More is always better. Please add every button, every award, every ad you can think of to your blog. Plus, add a huge busy picture to the background.  Because visitors don't really need to be able to read your blog... just be blinded by it.

4. Prioritize. Your blog should be your #1 priority in your life. More important that getting sleep, making dinner, going to work...  And kids?  They are just around so that you can have something to write about!

5. Blogs are better with theme music.  Just like movies, blogs need theme music.  Make sure the music starts playing once a visitor loads your page.  They will come back again and again just to hear the music.  I promise.

6. Use your kids to sell crap.  Your kids are cute.  Cute sells.  Blogs exist to sell stuff.  It's an easy equation.  Get selling!

7. Use blog visitors as your therapists.  Because who needs professional counselors?  Blog visitors are free, and are always willing to provide advice.  I'm sure their advice is just as good as going to counseling when you have real world problems like depression or anxiety.

8. Expect everyone to like you.  No matter what you say on your blog, expect everyone to agree with you.  That's what the "blogging community" does.  We support each other with blind acceptance of every one's cockamamie ideas. 

9. Don't comment... complain.  Please, don't comment on others' blogs.  They don't really care if you show them that you are reading, and provide thoughtful feedback.  But when no one comments on your blog posts?  Complain. Write a long post about how no one listens to you, and no one cares, and no one comments....

10. When all else fails, beg for attention.  We all know who really gets the most attention in the room. You remember what "that girl" did in high school. Act like that. And then still expect everyone to like you (see #8).

And now I expect lots of positive, friendly comments... because you all like me.

P.S.  Any long-time blogger is guilty of one or more of these transgressions.  Don't worry.  I'm not keeping track. If I did, I'm sure I would be the first knocked off my pedestal.

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